Mike Hall: An inexhaustible supply of puns

Contact Mike Hall at mhall19@cox.net.

Excitement is building among word fans as New Year’s Day approaches.


That’s the day the “List of Words Banished from the Queen’s English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness” is released.

Some people at Lake Superior State University have been issuing the list every year since 1976. People all over the English-speaking world submit nominees for the list each year.

Remember last year’s list contained “stakeholder” and “physicality,” among others. By this time next week, we will know what words and phrases get the most votes for being banished from the language.

Meanwhile, we can entertain ourselves with a fun way to mangle the language.

It has happened again. Just when I become convinced I have heard every dumb pun possible, I find out there are people busily making new ones.

The latest collection comes from Chuck Sodergren, retired Seaman USD 345 principal.

The reader has a difficult decision to make now. Do you assume this is a waste of time and move on to other parts of the newspaper? Or do you hope there might actually be some funny ones in here you haven’t heard before?

Let’s find out:

The meaning of opaque is unclear.

I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

I’m reading a book about antigravity. I can’t put it down.

If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters, but I can Sumurais it for you.

So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.

Police were called to the day care center. A three-year-old was resisting a rest.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?

I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

Contact Mike Hall at mhall19@cox.net.



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